God, I'm exhausted.

:(

I didn't feel like doing homework, and don't have any due tomorrow (I do have a whole review
for a test on Monday that's gonna have to get done over the weekend now), so I googled competitions and scholarships for composition. All the competitions I read about sounded HARDCORE, and not something that I would even want to enter, and that made me realize that I should really start composing more stuff. So I went to the piano and started messing around with the Locrian mode. I played for what I think was a really long time, and came up with some stuff that I like but that I'm not sure anyone else would.

When I stopped playing, I realized that I had been mad, and sad. And that that was coming out in my music. The Locrian mode is dissonant - if you start on the 7th degree of a major scale and play a scale using the same key signature, that's Locrian. So, B, C, D, E, F, G, A, B would be B Locrian, in case anyone cares, but I was using A Locrian, so A, Bb, C, D, Eb, F, G, A. Anyway, music theory tangent over. I realized that I had been creating all these dissonances that didn't resolve, that would never resolve, and chords that went anywhere but where you would expect them to. And I realized that I am dissatisfied. I am dissatisfied with myself, I am dissatisfied with many of the people in my life, and I am dissatisfied with the human race in general. And there are "dissonances" in my life that were coming out as dissonances in my music.

Then I thought about it more, and realized this wasn't quite accurate.

The music I was creating wasn't just ALL over the place. It did have somewhat of a melody. But the chords, the harmony under the melody was what I was trying to make as ugly and as filled with this sense of dread as possible.

I lie to myself. I pretend that I am happy with everything because I WANT to be happy with everything. I want life to be this happy, safe, relatively predictable little melody. Of course, tension keeps things interesting, but it's all fine as long as I know the tension WILL resolve in the way I expect it to. When things don't happen that way, I tell myself that it's all fine. But the chords I was using in my song WEREN'T fine, they were just semi-fine, and they just KIND of went where you (or at least I) wanted them to go, but not all the way, and they were NO excuse for proper resolutions. Does this make sense to anyone but me? On the surface, my life is fine, but underneath it's really not. This is weird because there's nothing big that's wrong, just a bunch of little things that I'm not really content with. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm really tired, and I'll probably have a much more optimistic outlook tomorrow.

I don't know if any of that really made sense, but I definitely see the parallel. Wow, I just spelled "parallel" wrong and had to correct it, I am REALLY tired. And I cannot be held accountable for anything I write, or DO for that matter, when I am this tired. It's cause of the basketball game last night, it was the last playoff game and band got home pretty late. But I'm not complaning, it was worth it.

:)